who i've become

I used to be someone else. A liar, living for everyone else and not myself. Fear enveloped my entire existence. I spent countless hours deconstructing every thought that ran through my head. The person who spent years crying, praying and begging God to take it away. Suicide regularly came up when I felt I was losing ground. I was unwilling to live life as who I was. Holding myself to standards that were destroying me inside out. I hated my heart's desire. I tried to ignore it. Convincing myself I could win this battle. I could overcome these feelings. It was just a phase I would think. Something God put in my life to teach me something. What the struggle has taught me is paramount to who I am today. Scars from the hate I had for myself are still visible. I've begun to move on from this way of existing. I no longer apologize for who I am. I was born, and still am gay. It is about taking ownership and embracing what it means to be who I am. It was no conscious choice I made one day. It is inherent in me. People are still questioning my motives, my choices and deciding my eternal fate. I don't believe in their idea of God. God is someone else to me, and I am someone else to him.